Blah
Hmmmm......This is me being tired of school.
I'm ready to graduate, I'm ready to move on and get a real job and meet new people. I'm getting stir crazy and tired of being stuck in a small town. While I'm having a fabulous time with my friends I'm ready for more.
These last four weeks of my college career are going to be amazing. I've finally been able to get back into the swing of things and be happy just being single. In fact I don't think I even want a relationship right now....things are just so much less complicated without one. There is no drama and I'm not disappointed (relationships in the past have turned out more or less disappointing in the end). I guess I've just been let down a lot and I'm not ready to be let down again yet. I know it will happen...it's the inevitable.
Why do people let other people down so much. There have been so many people in my life who have cancelled plans with me, decided not to go at the last minute, decided to do something else instead, flat out reject me, or lead me on and then decide to let me know they aren't interested. I know that this has happened to everyone and I'm just wondering WTF??? I try so hard not to cancel plans with people because it sucks so bad. Oh well....it's been going on for so long and I don't see it slowing down anytime soon.
If there is one thing that I have learned in the past year or so it has been to expect nothing and I won't be disappointed!
More later....
Suntan and Hungover
Well....I'm back from Key West. It was the best last spring break someone could ever have. Except one minor detail....they lost my luggage!!!!
Can someone please tell me how this happens. I'm so upset but I guess they are looking for it. I will keep you posted and let you know if they find it.
Probably the best part about this week was the fact that it SNOWED in Maryville. And my happy ass was ninety degree weather!! WOOHOO!
Out Like Trout...
Well blogspotters and other friends....I'm outta here.
One week of nothing but sun and sand in beautiful Key West Florida. Don't come here for a week unless you want to read old posts. I know they can be intriguing but....you know.
So....I hope you all have a great week, I know I will. Talk to you when I get back.
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Background noise
I'm kind of having a down day. I don't know why, life doesn't really suck right now...I have great friends, I'm almost ready to graduate, the company I work part time for just asked for my updated resume and references (hopefully they will hire me full time), I'm happy with myself. But today I'm kind of sad....well maybe not sad just blah.
I guess I'm kind of questioning whether or not there is someone out there for me, you know. Being alone for the rest of my life is my biggest fear and sometimes I wonder if I really am going to be alone. This is such a girl thing to think about. I wonder if guys think about his at all....probably not. But anyways, I'm obviously not going to meet anyone in Maryville because I only have a month and a half left here. But I just wonder in general if there is someone out there. Sometimes (like right now) I think that there isn't and I'm going to be doomed to wander the planet alone for the rest of my life. It's just something that's in the back of my mind a lot.
I always hear people say that there is someone out there for everyone but they are obviously wrong. Here is why....I know people who never get married. I know people who are alone and have been alone all of their lives. It's really not that uncommon, granted some of them choose to be alone but some of them don't...they just can't seem to meet anyone. What if I end up like that. I'll be like the weird cat lady (except I won't have any cats because I'm allergic). Weird.
Oh well, I guess I'll just have to be patient. I can't really do anything about it right now because I'm stuck in Maryville for another month and a half. I guess I'm just going to have to work my ass off after I graduate to just get out there and meet people. I guess I really don't have a problem meeting people, we'll just have to see.
It's about that time again....
Here are some random thoughts....
1. Why do teachers forget about everything until the week before spring break.....and they tell us not to procrastinate.
2. Why can men never figure out the smallest easiest things like calling someone when they say they will or not cancelling plans at the last possible second.
3. I think I really am ready to graduate.....my feelings on this change daily. Today I'm ready....get me out of here.
4. I wonder if I'm normal or if I'm just a complete mess and I don't really realize it.
5. I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life though.....I'm happy with myself and that makes me content.
6. How are people so unorganized.
7. Why to people do dangerous things like drive drunk and high and stuff like that????
8. To the wind.....you suck (I'm pretty sure I said that last time but let me reiterate)
9. To the 80s....you were a hilarious decade and yet I miss you because I didn't have any responsibility then.
10. My nephew is the cutest baby in the world....I miss him like a banana misses its peal. Here he is, this is my favorite picture of him because he is so excited....
That's all for now....Jack, Aunt Lindsey misses you.
Sunburnt and Tired of Studying
So.....I've been fake baking. I'm guilty. I can't help it I'm going to Key West for spring break and I don't want to burn. So I've been going tanning in the hopes of getting a nice base tan. Welp....I burnt today. My whole body is red and sore. It's okay though I guess because at least I'm not suffering in Key West. Now what I'm hoping will happen is that my burn will fade into a nice tan and then I will have the perfect base tan for spring break. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.....the suspense is killing me though.
It stormed like crazy today. Maryville is 90 miles north of Kansas City and they got pounded with like 5 tornados. So you can only imagine. We actually didn't get that much in the way of storms, but this morning there was thunder and lightening and rain then the rest of the day it was just black and ominous (such a good word).
Anyways, it was a good day for studying and that worked out perfectly because I have a test tomorrow. So I spent most of the afternoon in the library cramming my brain full of information that I will probably forget by 5:00 tomorrow night after my test. Another day wasted learning pointless information that I will never use in the real world. Well, it was an okay day all around and hopefully I can get some more good studying in tonight.
Good night blogspotters.....I hope all is well with you.
My Motivation....Myself
Well....for the first time in a long time I woke up this morning and my motivation to get through the day was myself. Not someone else. I'm not waiting for any phone calls, e-mails, facebook posts etc. I'm simply doing things for myself. I worked out this morning like I do most mornings but today it felt really really good. It didn't feel like I was working.
After I worked out I went tanning.....yes that's right, I went tanning. This has never happened before and now that I've done it I have no idea why I didn't go before. The reason that I'm going tanning is so that I have a base tan when I go on Spring Break. I don't want to burn like I did last year. So I thought I would give it a try. WOW it's so relaxing. I had no idea. Therefore, I'm going again tomorrow.
Today has been fabulous. I hope tonight is good to. I have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going, or who I'm going with but hopefully it will be amazing. Life seems a little bit different today....a little better and I have no idea why.
Oh Graduation
Wow....it's consuming my life right now. Graduation is all I can think about. It effects the way I act, the way I talk, and the way I think. It's like my life is about to change and I can't even begin to imagine what my life will be like in a year from now. It's really scary but an exciting scary.
When I really sit down to think about it....I begin to wonder. I think about things like what new people I will know in a year, what will I be doing, where will I be. I think about where I want to live....I love the fact that I'm not tied down by anyone and that leaves everything wide open for me.
But then I also start to think about what I will be missing. Who will I never see again once I leave Maryville, what will I never do again. There are so many people that I will miss. I'm hoping and praying that there is nothing that I will regret although I think there will be a few things.
I guess I can only hope that life after graduation will be filled with exciting new people and new adventures but with a little bit of my life right now mixed in.
That is all for now.....good night blogspotters....I hope that life is exciting and each new day brings a new adventure.
Comfort Zones
Here I am....I'm about to graduate. I'm realizing more and more how scary and how sad that really is. All the people that I've known for the last five years are going to be gone in about a month and a half. The comfort zone that I have become used to is going to melt to nothing. I'm going to be thrown into a professional world where I will have to be responsible and real and that scares me a little bit.
I wonder what I'm going to do to meet people. I'm single right now and I kindof like it that way because it means that I'm not tied down to any commitments when I leave here. But what about after I graduate. What if I decide that I want to meet someone. How do I do that??? It is so easy to do here in Maryville....all you have to do is walk up and be like hey aren't you in my such and such a class or where do I know you from. The reason for this is because most likely you know that person from somewhere.
Things that scare me about graduation:
1. Leaving my beloved friends.
2. Regretting that I missed something.
3. Not being able to find a job.
4. Not being smart enough for the professional world.
5. Missing my friends.
6. Not having a life anymore (what will I do on the weekends??? All my friends will be in Kansas City, Maryville, or Springfield)
7. How will I handle getting up in the morning?
8. What if I can't find a job?
9. What if my work isn't good enough or creative enough for the pros?
10. Loosing the wonderful freedom I've enjoyed for five years (I'm going home to live with my parents and earn money so I can move to San Diego).
Well I'm sure there's more but I don't want to think about it anymore......more later. I have a long homework filled night ahead of me and I'm sure I will want a break to rant and rave a little.
Gutters Full of Rain and an Empty Picture Frame
It rained all day today. I guess at times it wasn't really raining but there was a fog that hung around all day like that annoying guy at the bar who thinks your interested but your not. I woke up early this morning (around 7:30 and that's early if you are still in college) to go running and quickly realized that I would have to run inside because it was pouring. But I had a good run and a fabulous day despite the weather.
I found an empty picture frame in my room today. It once held a picture that I was very fond of but it is now empty because that picture no longer brings me happiness but makes me cringe. So anyways, I want to find a good picture to put in it. I think that a beautiful picture frame such as this one deserves a beautiful picture with beautiful people who have beautiful smiles. Hmmm....Maybe I will take a good picture this weekend.
I went to a required speaker tonight. At first I was so blah and unwilling to go but I'm so glad I did. It was about women's self defense and I didn't really think about it before but I guess I don't really know what I would do if ever attacked. I would probably freak out and freeze up and cry a lot and well you know.....do all the girly stuff and not actually defend myself. But tonight when I was forced to think about it I said to myself "self.....you need to get real....you need to be tough....you need to be a scary person if needed" I hope that I never need to be a scary person but I will if needed so all you creepy creepsters....watch out. :) I think now I will take a self defense class after I graduate because I will need to get a hobby with all the time I will have on my hands (well before I get a job at least).
"There is nothing more dangerous than a pissed off woman"
~~Erin Weed (
girlsfightback.com)
Epiphany
I actually had this epiphany a couple of weeks ago....I just now felt the need to get it out there....
Well I've finally had it.....I've had an epiphany concerning something that happened to me about four months ago. While at the time I thought it was the end of my life and that I would never be happy again I now realize that it was quite possibly the best thing that ever happened to me. Because this thing happened to me I have been able to realize how strong I really am. How I can survive almost anything and come out the other end stronger than I was before.
This thing I speak of is really no ones business and therefore it will remain unnamed....however I will tell you that it was no ones fault. Things like this happen. I just want to say that I hope that all involved are now out of the other end also and that they are all happy. I could hope nothing more than for these people to be as happy as I have learned to be.
I say that I have learned to be happy because while it is a process I have finally learned to make myself happy and not to depend on others to do it for me. I have realized that I am a wonderful person and that I might possibly even be beautiful. I'll admit I still have days when I look in the mirror and I question what I see but those days are few and far between now. I'm happy with myself and I can honestly say that I think I handled the events four months ago with grace. I honestly hope that all the people involved are happy and I could only wish them happiness for the rest of their days.
I'm sorry that this post is pretty confusing but I just had to get that out. Thanks.
Rediscovering my Youth
Okay....most people would say that I'm not old enough to rediscover my youth but I disagree. I believe that once you are no longer a teenager you can rediscover anything.
This is what I mean...
Recently I've been listening to a lot of 80s music. For example: Van Halen, Wham, Journey, Whitney Houston (before the crack), Led Zepplin, old school Micheal Jackson, AC/DC and songs like 'Come on Eileen,' 'Lose your love Tonight,' 'Magic Carpet Ride,' and many others that go along in this category. While listening to said music I am remembering things like:
1. Roller skating in my unfinished basement with my sisters.
2. Sidewalk chalk
3. Shrinky Dinks
4. Light brights
5. Water fights that lasted all afternoon.
6. Snap Bracelets
7. Umbro shorts
8. Little plastic hoops that held your shirt in place at your hip.
9. Leg warmers
10. Sit and spins
11. My Little Ponies
12. He-man and She-Ra
13. Play dough
14. Care Bears......the first time around
15. Cabbage Patch Kids
16. Kid sister and my Buddy
17. Strawberry shortcake
18. Legos
19. Barbies - when they were still oh so cool
20. Smurfs
21. Fraggles
22. Teased Bangs
23. Mad Libs
24. 867-5309
25. Beta Tapes
26. "School House Rock" - Preferably Conjunction Junction and I'm just a Bill
27. Atari
28. Scratch and Sniff Stickers
29. Jelly Shoes
and much much more. That list is symbolic of the good old days. When I could play outside carefree until the sun went down and time was of no concern. When school was easy and the math problems where 5*9 and 45/13. When fractions were the hardest thing I had to learn and broken hearts were a thing of mystery. When being under pressure meant being at the bottom of the body pile during a friendly game of capture the flag and truth or dare was the controversial game on the playground. Whenever we got introuble it was for grass stains and saying innocent things like butt head and shut up....not for having drugs or driving under the influence. When we got into fights they only lasted a day or so and then everything was forgotten.
Life has started to become so hard and serious now that I'm in my twenties. I think about my problems then and my problems now and sometimes I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then. Things like what it is like to lose a best friend in a car accident, what it is like to have my heart broken, how it feels to be rejected by someone you like, how it feels to lose a family member, how it feels to be betrayed by close friends. I miss how it felt to be innocent when feelings weren't so complicated and life was just a glass of lemonade and a bag of oreos.
Maybe we just need to simpilify you know. Be happy with what we have. I think that I spend so much time trying to be happy that I miss out on the small things that would really make me happy if I just took time to notice them. Hmmm......interesting.
My Roommate vs. The Attic
So I'm not sad anymore.....I couldn't give a shit less now actually. People just need to realize that I'm over it and I'll never go back to where I used to be.
So this weekend my roommate had a mad battle with the an attic ladder. Needless to say she lost. She was trying to be spiderman or something and swing down from the attic onto the ladder and she missed EVERY SINGLE step on the ladder. But she is a crazy trooper.....she gets up after her crazy spill, looks at me and says, "All I need is my drink." Of course now she has bruises everywhere.
While the entire ordeal was pretty serious and scary everything turned out fine and now we can all look back on it and laugh.
It's pretty amazing how you can do that with most things....look back on them and laugh. I mean all it takes is some time and you can make anything a good memory. That is probably how I will remember college. A lot of the experiences that I had were hard and sometimes life was almost unbearable but I think that eventually I will be able to look back on my experience here and shake my head in adoration of all the people I encountered. Even if they gave me trouble and even if they made my life hard for a little bit.....I know I will adore them all the same because they are a part of my life now regardless. They are trapped in my memories and they have helped to shape who I am. I would like to think that the experiences that I have had in the recent past have made me stronger as an individual and have taught me things about myself that I otherwise would be oblivious to.
So I guess I would like to thank all those people who made my life a little hard because it is you who helped me realize how strong I really am. And thank you to my roommate for making my life a little brighter and giving this past weekend the kind of character that is not easily forgotten.
Even more sad....
Wow....my life = shitty right now. I guess I just don't understand what is going on. Why people feel the need to lie to make me feel better. I'm fine!!! Just tell me the F-ing truth. To you all....
I'm not a little girl....in fact I'm older than most of you. Therefore, you don't need to protect me. I've gotten my feelings hurt before I'll survive this time too.
I hope that you two are happy!! I'm serious when I say that. I really am happy for you. You deserve eachother!
If you are not interested....tell me and I will go away!
If you aren't going to call don't tell me that you will. I'm one of those people who waits to hear from someone who says that they will call.
To those who are busy lying to me right now.....I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did to deserve this. I didn't mean it. If you would please tell me the truth I would appreciate it.
That is all I have......I'm going now. I hope this will make me feel better.
Goodnight blogspot.....I hope that you are happier than I am right now.
Sad...
I get really really sad when people lie to me. It hurts really bad. I guess it is because I'm a very trusting person. So when someone that I care about lies to me it hurts. I hate that!! I also end up feeling betrayed because I don't lie to my friends, even if the truth is hard to tell I think that I owe it to them to tell the truth. I love my friends and I feel like they deserve the truth. Well anyways, I feel betrayed by a number of people that I would have once called my friends and that hurts bad. I'm sad.
More later...
